Since birth I’ve struggled with finding myself. During my high school years I thought I had but that was just typical teenager thinking. Then after the birth of my son and a divorce I thought I was on my way to finding myself but unfortunately never could pinpoint who I was. I learned I loved odd things and knew I wanted to be a writer since I was small because I was proud of my creative mind. I tried off and on for years writing books and only wrote half of all things. Music and dancing took hold and I thought that was my muse. While music is still a big part of my life, it’s not exactly my muse. Writing still took hold and still I wrote. I guess that’s why I loved Facebook and wattapp because I could write instead of verbally talk. I learned recently I wasn’t a novel writer, it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I also took up a growing passion for yoga and slowly but surely fell in love with the art as well as Buddhism as the art of yoga is also tired into it. I realized blogging was something I was good at and I’m slowly getting better each day with yoga as it’s giving me confidence in myself and teaching me to work with my mind, body, and soul. My writing is getting noticed and that pleases me as people can relate to what I feel. At the age of 27 I feel I’m starting to see the woman in me that I’ve been waiting to see. I know my likes and dislikes. I know what I want in this world and what I want to leave behind when I die. I know this will change again after I get much older but I’m preparing my body now for the older me to be able to enjoy later on and that’s the gift I want to give my future self.
I didn’t feel like getting on my yoga mat tonight because I’ve been feeling blah all day so I didn’t get on the mat, I flowed off the mat and put my focus into my balance and my strength and just thought about me and the music I was listening to. I feel better. I feel less blah and I was able to ground myself and become one with myself. I am still just as tired as when I started but I feel tired with a better purpose now. This is why I love yoga.
Tonight I decided to get back on the mat after my initial round because I guess I wasn’t done and worked on my tripod headstand and with patience and focus I was able to lift my hips up and remove my knees from my forearms and almost extended all the way. Despite falling the three times that I did it and I didn’t care that I fell it’s the fact that I had enough strength in my body to support that leg lift and I’m so proud of myself.
For years I’ve wanted to be an author and write great books that would storm the shelves of bookstores world wide. I’ve written many short stories that I’ve considered publishing into one book since I know they won’t get any longer. I’ve published two novels and I am half way through a third that I might turn into a short as well along with another that I have an idea for. But I’ve realized while I might love writing maybe novel writing isn’t exactly for me but rather a short story writer as well as a blogger such as what I am doing now because I can sit down for thirty minutes and bust out a good post and on a good day write half of a short story. Maybe that’s what I’m good at, plus I have other projects going on and I know I can’t spend all day writing because sitting in one place for too long drives me nuts. So I’ll stick to what I can accomplish and hope for the best. Don’t give up on what you love doing, just making it to where it’s doable.
Today I did it even when I wasn’t intending to work on a headstand. I usually do regular headstands assisted by a wall. Today I took a shot at a tripod headstand and nailed it on my first try. Now I haven’t attempted the tripod since elementary school when they wanted us to practice gymnastics and I failed and never tried again. A month ago I attempted the tripod but I wasn’t strong enough and I felt like I was going to break my neck for sure. Well today I gave it a shot for the hell of it and I felt so confident and proud that I did it two more times after the initial stand and took two videos both with two different versions. I have been strength training to help my upper body strength and despite how heavy weighted I am it’s certainly paying off.
So this past week I’ve been crazy busy since starting my new job and learning new things and operations. I have been stressed out and haven’t had time to get on the mat for yoga. I’ve also neglected my diet just a little bit. But I can’t be too hard on myself as I was going through new changes and adapting to new surroundings. I made a promise to at least flow 10 to 15 minutes daily either before work or after as long as I am practicing. It’s a struggle but I am determined and I won’t give up.
So I knew I was tired but I had to get on my mat tonight for yoga because then I would regret it if I didn’t. Before I started my session I did a little bit of leg and arm strengthening with a resistant band and then as I was going through my flows and my stretches I decided I would participate in a few headstands because I wanted to keep them as part of my practice til I can do them without assistance from the wall. I noticed I was able to get into a headstand much easier and almost hold it without the wall. I also knew when to stop because my lower back started hurting so I stretched a little more to loosen up and then relaxed in savasana or corpse pose for as long as my body needed to restore itself. I’m a little more on the site side tonight but that’s because I worked harder. I’m starting to feel more confident about my strength and can’t wait til I can get back on the mat. Namaste.
As you can see all over social media women like myself are finally standing up for themselves and speaking about the sexual assault they have faced. In some point in a woman’s life she will be assaulted and never speak about it because she’s scared as to what people will think. When I woman says no or doesn’t give you consent to touch her, you take your fucking hands off her. There was a time in my life where I was held against my will and raped and ended up falling in love with my rapist because I was dumb and naive and had no where to go. Back then I never realized it was rape until I grew up a little more. This man was 7 years my senior and knew what he did as he cried in my arms the next day apologizing for what he had done. Still the thought didn’t cross me because I was lost and confused and in a very bad mental state. Women are so easily abused and we expect men to be there to help us instead of abuse us. We will never be held silent again. Take a stand and use your voice.