Socially unattached

Semi long read but I promise it’s worth it.
Perspective: for the past 2 months I have sat at home working with a little bit of interaction but mostly alone with the tv and my thoughts once Taylor leaves for work. I still laugh and what not with my co workers and upper management and with Taylor as he texts when he can but It’s taking its toll on my mental health and general health. Taylor is aware of what is happening to me but I’m not sure if anyone else feels it too. Today I was talking to Taylor and I had an epiphany from my years growing up. Most people dont know that my father was paralyzed from the waist down since he was 26 years old. He was a strong resilient man who never gave up. I dont remember him without his wheelchair as I was 2 years old the time of his accident but I always dreamt of him walking so it was interesting. For the next 23 years of his life until his death he spent most of his time in bed surrounded by 4 walls, a tv, an occasional phone call and the occasional visitor. I spent time talking to my dad but not nearly as much as I wished I had. Since sitting at home for 2 months I feel the insanity creeping upon me and causing paranoia. I feel the loneliness. I feel unattached to the world and I then thought about my father who even though he went to the gun range several times a month and tried to go out as much as possible had spent many nights alone by himself without anyone to talk to. I understand now why I thought he was a little crazy, but I didnt see it as a cry for help. He needed that social interaction to keep his spirits up but he coped the best way he could. Its fucking with me hard. I called as much as I thought I could but never enough. When I grew a little older we shouldered our emotions and sadness upon each other because I was finally starting to understand but unable to help his pain. When an ex boyfriend had passed away I was extremely devastated as I dont wish death upon anyone and my father was the only person who held my heart as I cried it out and damned myself for not trying harder to save his soul or speak to him even though it had been three years he still had reached out and I ignored. He knew pain and he hated seeing me go through it. Folks I advise again. Talk to your family often i promise you that you will find a time that you wish you could turn back the clock and talk to them more, visit them more, and show your love often. I miss my dad daily and as his 2 year anniversary approaches and seeing the death toll rise on the tv I become sadder as the days go on.

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